If you don't wanna know, DONT READ!

We are on the wing.
Work. Work. Work.
Thats all I ever do now, maybe the occassional D&W but who doesn't? It finally feels overwelming havin sooo much money on me. I spend a lil bit here and there and damn it catches up! Not stealing was a freakin hard investment! XD

Marilyn and I are doing good, never been better. She means a lot to me but I ain't sure if I wanna put her through a long distance relationnship when I move to NYC next month. Hopefully I get accepted 2 the college I want. I have not progressed much but my priorities r fiinally in check. [Thank goodness]

I wanna dance at a club real badly or take my stress out of a peacepipe. Haven't had much sleep, just been alone or working...with the occassional sight of Marilyn hehe

Still photos and noisy arcades...
I recently spent the last week lost in a silent ballet in my mind. I felt it have a link with my heart for once. I asking if I am home or am I tumblin out alone...I feel something stur when I am with her. Maybe love is sturrin evn tho I decided to not be involved..I want someone so badly tho. I want to make sure it's the right choice in the end.

Cuz it takes two to whisper quietly...because the spaces between my fingers fits hers perfectly. Cuz when I think of her, I don't feel so alone. As many times as I blink, I'll think of her....tonight.

I am truely happy, as happy as I can get for now at least.

Cuz if my voice could reach back into the past I'd say, oh darling I wish you were here...ovr n ovr

__________________________________________________

Welcome back winter.

I'll put on my fuzzy sweater
making me feel 30x better
walking around till we nearly froze
pickin of my socks wit your cute lil toes
being here no matter what life makes
I'll do whatever it takes
my restrains are paper thin
I love you so much my heart might cave in
I feel stunning
And entrancing
Feel she's the shiniest pearl
For I'm loved
By a pretty wonderful girl

My daily routine
A lil bit of 23

and Church of Phish

Yeep. Not complaining.

Current Mood: awake

Life Sux
I got a new job working @ Limon Cello
I have an awesome gf who wants nothing to do but spend her and vice versa.
I have my priorities set straight
$300 bucks down on that massive $1000 bill
Started drawing again with new ideas
Thinkin about the future
Thinkin about my life choices
I have a "costume" to wear for halloween with Marilyn
Did I mention I work with my gf?
I have new friends around me
While the old ones still are close by

Life Sux but I say fuck life and just go with it.

My life is changing and I have no say in it
Mother is relocating me to the city cuz I aint doin much wit my life in Goshen.
Least that's what she thinks....
She is forcin{I have no say} me 2 share a fuckin room wit Christina @ my aunt's apt in Manhattan. -.-
I am supposeably ganna get a job easier here and will b able 2 afford my $170/monthly rent bill{hidden fee 4 'moving' lol}.

I am ganna apply 2 several colleges round the city but i unno if I can get in any of em..,

I have until November 2 enjoy my stay in Goshen...wit my new friends and gf, Marilyn...
...who btw wants 2 break up when I leave{i don't blame her, she's 2 young 2 b tied down i suppose}

I am losin sleep ovr this bullshit...ugh. I feel shitty.

I protested against livin, wit my sis and in the city but I am not allowed to chose my life? Hmm...

Fuck me right...?

Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: Party in the USA

Mayback Music

I basically chilled around my house
Acting like a man's jobless spouse
feeling more depressed than a dead mouse

But I need to come back
I dont plan on being like this
Sittin around like a lil dipshit
I will try harder, that's fuckin fact
I am about to make my mayback

Need to keep my hopes extra bright
No slipping inbetween the darkness of the night
No surcuming to fear and fright
I need to push to my goals wit all my might
Depression will lose the fight
To hope, to desire
My passion is my burning desire
Even the statue of liberty need to light a fire
For she evn must admire
How my hope acts like a thin wire
connecting all the my dreams from their lost pieces.

I keep bringin on the coastes
Fillin those glasses of water wit the osmoses
Toppin them off with some petrified roses.
Your starin at the soul of almighty Moses.

I know I played a lot of games
Horsed around and took names
Now that I got nothing, not even fame
Things wont b the same
But i can change my lame lifestyle now
Make my life with a big pow
And live life as fat as a cow
Dressed in a suit and jus a bow tie
Its all do or die
No more telling myself a lie
Looking at the star player in the eye
And saying your jus a lil shy.
No excuses for you small fry
The world is yours
Make her bend to your will on all fours
As she forcefully bends more and pours
Your glass of life full.
Be sure to take Her hair and pull
Backward and force her into submission lul

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Its been about a year now...

...since I've felt an attachment somewhat this strong. I think the relationship I had wit Lyn b4 we got serious has strengthened my willpower 2 keep myself 2gether.

It's been about a year now...
...since I've cared about another person more than myself.
HA! That's a lie.
I care about evryone else but myself.
It's about time I redirected it 2 someone that matters instead of evryone....

It's been about a year now...
...since my heart has pounded so hard in my chest like this. Instead of being carefree, I wonder what she is doing, thinking, and feeling. I care if she is smiling and I care about if I can make her happy. I actually care a lot!?

But I ain't in love, I refuse 2 show that emotion yet. I dunno how 2 love so I shouldn't say that word at all until I understand.
I need 2 love myself 1st :p

My future is lookin foggy. I see a companion next 2 me now...is this a good thing? Can I make her satisfied? Can I keep her? I want 2 say yes...I really do.

For now I will just go wit it ;)

Just dance
She's ganna b ok
I know she got it,
Cuz she lookin @ me like she want it
And I jus cant pull away.
Under her spell I just cant break

In the night i hear em talk
The coldest story evr told <3

I already no how this thing goes... ;)

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Hope
Let's not fuck this one up like the last one, aight?
We gotta show this one what you want and attend 2 her @ the the same time.
No more games.
Get a job >:(

Your outta money and your ovr $1000 in debt...get it 2gether asshole!
You have till June '10...

Treat her right.
You got yourself another one.
Make sure it stays that way :)

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: I cant hear the music

09-23-09
So I asked Marilyn out yesterday in the back of Julia/Eddy's cuz Vikky's car. Her team had lost a VB game n we all ate at Friendly's.

I am Mo's orange shirt.
She was sweaty.
She was wearin blue.
I sweat when I am nervous/anxious.
I am sweating.

I tried to ignore my beating heart and focus on askin the Q to M...but we were nevr alone.

Aftr dinnr we took a ride in Vikki's white car to drop Lyn off.
We were pulling up to her block soon
I am Mo's perfuse sweat glands.

I had to say it.
No words came out.
2 blocks left.
I had to ask.

Her glance met my gaze as we both smile @ each othr.
I am Mo's shut down voicebox.
Or forevr hold my peace.
We r approachin the next block.
I whisper in her ear, Would u go out wit me?
She whispers back,"I'd love to."
Commense a kiss.
Enter the unison smiles and laughes.
Next thing I know, she is steppin outta the car wavin goodbye.
I am Mo's anxious heart.

Current Mood: amused

Lord, Give Me a Sign!
I know we went on a break or rather I wasn't faithful enough to embrace you and show how you how much you mean to me. I've changed...I believe its for the better too.

Recently let all my emotions and rational thought explode outta me into my current personality. I made a pact with myself, and hopefully with You too, to stay positive and always find the best in life.

I want too share and spread this joy to any and everyone around me...

It feels like You threw me a bone yet again, testing my wits, charisma, and willpower but I will always catch the bone, You know that. Simple things in life are making me happy again;
Going to "war" with the Asians
A jog around town
Jolly Ranchers
Drinking water
Watchin a movie be4 I go 2 bed
Geometry Wars
Reading the same book ovr n ovr
Drawing my emotions
Doin cartwheels
Jumpin off cliffs
Watchin the sunset...(evryday round 7pm, try n start waitin @ 6:30)
Hangin out round town with no plans in mind
Playgrounds
Chalklines
Makin fun of bad movies...

Am I gay? Or did I just fall in love again with Life?

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Hustlin by Rick Ross

Ashley Baby
1. Who arent you?
you
2. Are we friends?
yes
3. When and how did we meet?
I saw you through the rain 6 years ago. I asked you to lick the pussy on my pink cat shirt in order to make a sexual joke outta it. You laughed at the joke and went with it until the end.
4. What song do I remind you of?
I wish
Imma be
5. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
Nova cuz my heart is nicknamed the sky and you shine the brightest even though all the stars are out, cuz tonight your the only one I'm thinking and talking about.
6. Describe me in one word.
Sunset
7. What was your first impression?
No way your going to talk to me
8. Do you still think that way about me now?
Of course not :]
9. What reminds you of me?
A philly cheesesteak
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?
the moon
11. How well do you know me?
pretty well
12. If you could use any item to kill me with, what would you use?
the item of emotion called love
13. If we were hangin out, and you could bring three people along, who would you bring?
Mary, Alex, Jesse
14. Are you going to post this in your notes and see what I say about you?
yep :]

Current Music: Escape the fate-Ashley

Truth Lying in the Facts
I think last week was the best week I've ever had this year...lots of ppl will be missed and I found element again.

I shouldn't be so dark. Being happy is all that I should be at all times no matter what is happening. I feel better that way too heh. Even though I had some rough moments, when I am optimistic I feel soo much better.

It works wonders.

Got a check for 2000 bucks today. I <3 life haha.

Current Music: Whatcha say-Jason Derulo

Real Talk LJ
I've been gettin a strange from 2009. It has been very mysterious in its own way. I have been cycling through love interests, trying to find the 'her' in my life. Throughout the journey, I was revealed who my true friends were...
I've been stabbed in the back by several ppl while othrs got closer.

I find myself losing track of who is in my life or not.

I miss something. I miss a right hand man. I miss a true bff. I miss a relationship. I miss having money.

Nows not the time 4 me to b lookin 4 Ms. 1 n only again, things will play out in time...I need 2 focus on the money.

Got a job at the OCCC bookstore, I start next week...thats a start ;]
Btw I nevr asked her out.
Btw Mike bailed on the Cali trip..
Btw...I was nevr informed by Misalalasu that she left 2 Cali last week....

Btw...I lost a best friend the other day. Even tho she don't know it, we won't b the same...haha...

.....What a joke.....

Imma go now.

Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: Raindrops by Dj Diamond

My Heart Saw a Shooting Star
Last night I was standing on a hill in Phil's backyard with him and Casey. We were looking a perticular cloud which resembled a horse until suddendly a shooting star passed by it. We shared a moment...GAY I know haha.

I haven't seen a shooting star in about a year before this week. What a sight. Last time I saw one I was with Eddy, Luca, and Brent. We were outside going home from Ed's and we see the brightest star in the sky, then it flares up, shoots across the sky and dies.

Every shooting star pierces my heart, like an arrow. Only in a star's death do they look most beautiful. I find myself wishing on a star in vain. I don't ask for much but the more you think about and focus on the wish, the more likely it will come true. For example: Asking for lots of money. Then find some jobs and money will be coming in. If you save it up then you will have lots of money. Don't just wish and wait around for nothing.

That's what I often do. It doesn't work like in the cartoons unless you have extreme luck. I believe luck runs my life actually. Every event that led me here is chance and a gamble at life. If you don't take chances then you will go nowhere.

I haven't pushed my luck in a while. Bout a few months actually but it's all good. I like this calm in my life for now. Wish I had some money tho...ugh...lost my Itouch :[

I find myself holding a beer bottle or can in my hand by the end of the night. I think it's safe to say that I acquired "the taste" for it like my father told me I needed to get 5 yrs ago. I enjoy a casual drink while doing anything, like eating, hanging out, playing games out outside. It's just a good beverage to have around.

Enough about that.

Anyway, I just thought rambling on would take up my time...but it only took about 5 minutes of it.

I think I will go draw :]

Current Mood: bored

Hopefully I didn't make a mistake...

God I dun think sometimes...

So lately I found myself watching movies left and right at home, even listening to music for hours!

I havent found a job all summer. So guitar has been my main focus, slowly leanrning whenever I chill with Luca. Feeling the music has gotten a lil better...

Ok now 4 the real reason I wrote this. Marilyn is comin back any minute now, I am excited to see her butt...
~Luca wants to practice my bass guitar skills
~Briana has a bonfire n wants me 2 go
~Phil, Jesse, and Luffman want to plan something tonight
~My cuzin is havin a bday party 2night.

I unno what 2 do, mayb I will go to em all!?

I replied to her, I felt like it was time.
Debbi is back in Walden, goin out wit Aron again, doesn't sound good.

I think I might ask her out tonight.
Thing is...
she is stubborn
She is focused on another guy
She and I have had an akward relationship since October

I feel stressed since then, I hate hookups. Now I do at least. I have that feeling in my heart again...its been a while. How can I do this. I checked the date and I don't care. She n I r seein each other 2day.

I need to. Thing is. I know her answer. I know her too well...

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Momma Mia

What am ganna do!?
It's just me and you,
Your comin back,
And I'm still not on track.
From the dark space in my heart,
I don't think I can recover from it.

You always cheer me up,
Telling me up to fill up my cup,
I want to just say,
There's no other way,
Who fits this one and only part.
But you say me and you don't fit.

My heart aches again,
Calling out for someone again,
Telling me to be there for her.
I know that i can be there for her.
Thing is I struck out,
And I feel like I need to shout.

When is it my time to begin,
I don't want to be left behind,
Like Jugene Degin.
We are too kind,
And too stubborn.
Need to run my fingers in the sweet auburn....

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Alive

Got a call from my father today. We had nice brief talk bout our lives..it was nice to hear from him.

Its been about a yr now that i havent stepped one foot in a classroom...i hate it. I dread it. I applied to a few more places and at a job agency to get my life on track. Hopefully my financial situation takes a turn for the better.

Hmm...I seem to have a huge change in my friends who I chill wit now. Luffman, Mesiah, and Frylock are my main boys for now. Buddah, Jew, O'Connel are the chikas I have around. It feels weird not being with the bews team, mayb it's for the best.

Guess my mother was right, friends don't last 4ever.

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Love is such a complicated emotion.

I sit around and wonder to myself if I remember how to love someone or if I ever knew how to. I was notorious for throwing my heart at a girl and then running away from the feelings in return. I want to court someone special to me and tell her I love her, not just hook up like a player.

Sure hookin up is an escape but it's just temporary. Any sort of body contact is a tease of sweet bliss to me but it isn't enough. The more I casually hookup, the more I desire something real. It baffles me to think back to when I used to like just hookin up.

I've changed a lot in the past few months. I am mellow and drained a lot. I am shyer than ever instead of socialable. I am more dependant on myself than anyone else, putting myself before anyone. Best of all, I have made a new group of friends. Kinda into drinkin but that is always a plus haha. Anyway...love is like a foreign word to me, unlike ppl now adays, usin it towards friends like it's saying hi.

I find that word waay overused by couples but once it slips out, it's hard to 'take it back'. I don't remember the last time I truely ment it when I said I loved someone. Friends say it to me all the time and I just say it back so there isn't an akward moment.

Ugh akward moments are what 2009 is all about for me. From recieving the wrong signs, to walkin on something that I shouldn't have, to cock blockin friends and vice versa, to meetin ex's, to finding out something that i shouldn't.

Love to me is like that prostitute that is too good for you and laughs at you when you want her/him to stay. All the prostitute tells you is that your time is up and you weren't that good anyway. She/her is cold but always keeps you guessing and craving it when he/she is gone.

I think I might go for a jog, that always helps...

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Oh Jesse...
look what i found...

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